This month a precious woman of God, who was like family to me, went to be with Jesus. I’ve been rejoicing and grieving. I’m so grateful she’s healed and dancing streets of gold with our Savior! I rejoice that I’ll see her again in eternity. But I’m mourning the loss for all of us who loved her. Life here will never be the same without her.
As we head into this holiday season, I know for some people it’s going to be more painful than joyful. I’m grateful today to share a guest post with you from a friend who understands about grieving during the holidays. I hope her story and insights encourage you. And please consider sharing this post with someone you know who is hurting in this season. Grief can feel isolating, but you are never alone.
Hugs and prayers,
-Joanna
Guest Post by Becky Avery – Grief at Christmas
Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Homes and churches are trimmed with lights and trees. Christmas music is piped through the stores. Friends and family are planning their annual celebrations. There’s a palpable excitement in the air practically everywhere from November until the New Year.
For some of you though, this year is different. The thought of attending celebrations brings heartache rather than excitement. The music that once brought joy doesn’t have the same effect. You’ve lost someone you love. You’re grieving, and the whole world feels different. It’s like there’s a bubble around you deflecting the joy that everyone else radiates.
Losing someone you love is always hard. The first year is the hardest. There are birthdays and holidays that you now have to do without that person.
I lost my mom in 2020, and the first Christmas without her was hard. Dad did his best to make things as “normal” as possible. He put up the tree, trimmed it with all the ornaments, and partially decorated the house with lights. He tried, and I appreciated his efforts, but it was different. Mom always brought the magic of Christmas.
The second year was a little easier—until Dad got sick suddenly and ended up in the hospital in a coma right after Christmas. He hadn’t even taken down the tree. My brother and I stayed at his house for the six weeks he was in the hospital. I stared at that Christmas tree every day, refusing to take it down until he came home.
Dad never came home, and the tree stayed up for months. Neither my brother nor I could take it down. It was as if taking the tree down was admitting that Mom and Dad were gone for real.
I spent the next ten months keeping so busy I couldn’t think and assuring people that I was fine. I even started to believe it. Then Christmas came again.
I attended all the family celebrations. I made food for my in-laws’ parties, wrapped presents for everyone, and even played their games. Though I was surrounded by my closest friends and family, I had never felt so alone. I could barely be around my own brother because it was such a painful reminder of the family we no longer had.
On Christmas Eve, I cried through the whole church service. I couldn’t stop. I tried to concentrate on the miracle of Christ’s birth, but the tears streamed down my face as I looked at the families around me—while I sat there alone.
The problem was that while I had smiled and ignored the pain, buried the grief and repeated the mantra that they were in a better place, I didn’t let myself grieve. My brother had wrapped himself in a dark grief blanket that I feared would smother him. I knew I couldn’t be in the same dark place he was, so I buried all the emotions in a deep hole inside me. Eventually, the hole was so full, the emotions came bursting out.
I don’t have all the answers on how to overcome grief. I’m not a doctor, and I don’t have a counseling degree. I’m just a Christian woman who has lived through it, and I’d love to share some things that have helped me.
1. Talk about them.
This can be tricky, because I know from experience that talking about those who have died can shut conversations down . . . and quickly. People get uncomfortable. I don’t know why. Maybe they don’t know how you’ll respond. Whatever the case, if you want to talk about them, talk. Keep their memory alive!
So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. –John 16:22 (ESV)
2. Honor their memory.
Do something that you know they would love. Bake cookies or make gifts. Go for a drive to look at Christmas lights. Do whatever it is that will make you smile while thinking of them.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. –Revelation 21:4 (NIV)
3. Give yourself some grace.
If you have invites to ten holiday celebrations and that’s too much, say no. Say no to bringing a dish, no to the white elephant, no to the ugly sweaters. But don’t lock yourself away so much that it adds to the grief. Say yes to something. Sometimes just getting out can help a little.
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. –1 Peter 5:7 (ESV)
4. Allow yourself to grieve.
Allow yourself to feel the feelings. But remember you don’t have to do it alone. Talk to people. Let them know how you’re doing and what you’re feeling. Talk to God all the time. Pray for him to help you, and, most importantly, be open to that help. God will show up in the most unexpected ways, but you have to be open to receiving those gifts.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. –Matthew 5:4 (ESV)
I am praying for you and praying that God sends the love and comfort you need in this Christmas season.
Becky Avery is a Michigan girl, who is back home again after living various adventures in other places. After unexpectedly losing both her parents, she drew even closer to God. Now her mission is to help others dealing with loss. Her writing offers empathy and hope from one who understands.
Her first novel, "Escaping Christmas," is a story about two siblings processing their grief by traveling to a tropical resort to escape Christmas. Things don't go as planned, but they learn and find new hope along the way. You can connect with Becky on her website at https://beckyavery.com/
